Going that 'extra mile'...

#This is part two of a multi-part blog post. Read part one here

Delhi airport - I had to take a cab to reach the hotel in Gurgaon where I was gonna be staying. I called the hotel up and they told me that I should take about 20-30 minutes to reach the place from the airport as it is right after entering Gurgaon in Sector (some number). I diligently noted it down and headed outside the terminal.

I hired a Mega cab from the taxi bay and told the driver where I needed to go. I asked him if he knew the way or should I call the hotel up to give him directions. He told me he knows the sector and then we can maybe call up the hotel once we are in that area. I agreed.

Now my road-sense is also out-of-this-world, so I just sat peacefully working on my blackberry. I noticed when we entered Gurgaon and asked him, 'are we near?' to which he replied 'o jee 10 aur minute'. I sat back quietly and started fiddling with my blackberry again. After a good 20 minutes, I asked him again. He told me that we would reach in next 5 minutes. I was getting worried and I called up the hotel to tell them where we were and asked for directions. I told the cabbie the route the hotel guy had told me.. to which he said he knows the way.. and 'bas aage se hum IFFCO chowk pahunchenge aur wahan se sector..'.  I was shocked. 'IFFCO chowk toh Gurgaon mein ghuste hi hai!'... 'Sir, idhar se bhi hai'... 'Do-do IFFCO chowk hai kya yahan?'... 'Nahi Sir udhar se raasta band hai'... 'dude, hum IFFCO chowk se hokar hi aaye hain!'....

I asked him to stop the cab, called the hotel and then gave him specific directions. The meter fare came to INR 650 whereas it should have been somewhere close to INR 300 had he brought me the correct way. I could have understood had it been a normal taxi guy because they are infamous for taking people for a ride. But even Mega Cab? I could have lodged a formal complaint but didn't have the energy. I just went into the hotel and crashed, silently promising myself never to hire a Mega cab again!

"Consumer is the King" and other old jokes...

#This is part one of a multi-part blog post

I never really wanted to vent personal angst on my blog. I mean I have written sarcastic stuff before on here, but have never really made it personal. But I am mighty pissed with what's been happening around me. And I want to call thieves 'thieves' now, and in public.

Work makes me travel to Delhi / Bombay at times. This time, I was flying to Delhi by Jet Lite. Normally I reach the airport way before the customary '45 minutes before flight departure time' and check-in and stuff. This time too, I reached a safe one hour before and stood in the baggage screening queue (yes, they still have these in Calcutta!). The queue was unusually long and it took me a good 10 minutes to get my baggage scanned and tagged. I headed for check-in and the lady at the counter coolly told me that the check-in has been closed for the flight. I didn't really get what she meant and I asked for a clarification. She told me that check-in closes 45 minutes before flight departure time. I looked at both my mobiles - one showed that there were 46 minutes left before flight's scheduled departure and the other showed 47 minutes! I told her so. She said it was 45 minutes as per her watch. I countered that, even by that time, I was bang 45 minutes before departure and she couldn't refuse me. Hearing the commotion, the person standing behind me asked where was I flying to. I told him. He was flying to Delhi too and he too came forward and asked the lady for an explanation. The lady told us that they had been repeatedly announcing closure of check-in for the past half an hour. Both of us told her we had not heard a single announcement and usually in such cases the airline staff is out there helping passengers come forward in the baggage screening and check-in queues. None of that happened. Seeing that we were not to be laid off that easily, she called her supervisor. The fat lady arrived and after hearing us out, she gave an expression of utmost disinterest as if this was a regular affair. She wandered off to another counter and wasted a good 10 minutes looking around stupidly. I shouted across to her - 'now you are wasting time, we were here on time.. !' She came back, made a call to check if two passengers can be accommodated, got a confirmation in 2 minutes.. and asked us to head for security check-in.
We literally ran all our way to the boarding gate. I found that the boarding gate was locked and, for a second, I thought that the boarding was actually over. I spotted a Jet official and rushed to him. He asked me to sit in the waiting area. I thought he didn't really understand and told him that I was flying to Delhi and had to board the flight. He told me that the flight hasn't yet arrived so I need to wait in the waiting area. It then sunk in that the flight was actually delayed because it hadn't arrived yet! I lost my temper and told the guy about the drama at the check-in counter. He coolly told me that it was my fault and that it was for all passengers' convenience ... and walked off, leaving me seething with anger.
It was later that my colleagues told me that airlines often overbook flights and have to resort to such tactics to accommodate the extra passengers they have booked, or that they want to sell tickets at the last minute to make more money by cancelling tickets of passengers who arrive late. But in what manner? In the name of service and customers' convenience, can someone harass so easily and get away?

For Abs and Glory

What's happening to the world? Where have all the happy men with paunches and hairs peeping out of their nostrils & ears gone? What's this craze about being fit? And clean? And since when has being handsome become synonymous with having washboard abs, and waxing your body-hair, and getting facials done? Since when have diets become fashionable for men and guys have started memorizing words like 'decaf', 'calorie' and 'oily food'?

Scarily, I think I know the reason.

Switch on the TV and every actor in every goddamn TV serial has six-pack abs to flaunt. Even the wannabe kids who come for these reality show auditions have a toned body. You look at these kal ke aaye Heroes - and all of them have a well-maintained physique, all of them shave their body-hair, and all of them frequent the parlors for getting their eyebrows done. When I travel, all the young teens and tweens on the road can be seen wearing body-hugging tees that show off rippling muscles. So can you really blame the girls for expecting their boyfriends / husbands to get rid of their paunches too?

What I fail to understand is what has changed between then and now? Did Rajesh Khanna or Amitabh Bacchan ever have six-packs? Was Anil Kapoor expected to shave off his chest hair? Then why now?

I think we should start a movement to stop all this nonsense. Let's encourage men to flaunt their chest-hair instead of showing off shaved ass-cracks. And there should be contests like the "world's sexiest paunch" to restore some sense of balance in this fitness-crazy world.

I know what you did in 2011

I had been watching you, Bollywood. And I have always known what you are up to.

In 2011, you succumbed to new lows - and that hurts me. And I must tell you that this is not done. You have to work as much on our relationship as I have been doing. And you will also have to explain to me - why this Kolaveri Di?

1. Setting: A song-sequence inside a classroom of a school - First Standard, or maybe, Second, if you stretch your imagination a little.
Teacher: A plump Vidya Balan.
Plot: A wardrobe malfunction.
As Bappi Da's supersonic voice booms in the background ~ Giraake apna pallu, Baar baar... Kar deti ho humko, Bekarar ~ Vidya's pallu actually drops, revealing ample bosom. Wait, I am not mad about this bit. What happens next is the earth-shatteringly dumb part. All the kids (yes, kids!) in the class, get super-excited at the serendipitous mistake by their teacher and throw their books all around to celebrate.
I get that this was supposed to be funny. But maybe, Bollywood, you are trying too hard.


2. Setting: A video-game turned real
Characters: The Good Guy..err.. no, Robot...err.. no, Clone.. err, no, some Holographic Image of a video-game Hero... erm.. ok, let's just call him G.One. Similarly, the other guy, let's just call him Ra.One.
Plot: Making the world a little more gay-friendly.
Ra.One is about to kill G.One. And G.One needs to survive, so that he can kill Ra.One later. Simple. And the only way he can save himself is by grabbing Ra.One's crotch. So, he does that. And then, both of them blankly look into each others' eyes uttering inane dialogues like "Yeh kya kar rahe ho G.One? ... I don't know".. till the level ends in the supposed game they are playing, saving G.One and thereby, humanity.
Bollywood, listen to me and not SRK, you will do well. Trust me on this one.

3. Setting: Doesn't matter
Characters: Don't matter
Plot: Doesn't matter
The movie has Mimon Chakravarty / Mahaakksshhaaay / Gobbledygook
End of argument.

4. Murder of Item Numbers: I have earlier professed on this blog my love for item-numbers. That doesn't mean you will start belting out one inane item number after another, differentiating one from the other only by inventing a new name for the item girl: Jalebi Bai, Chameli, Dilli ki Billi and what not. Jeez.

I don't even want to crib any further. I am willing to give you one more chance. Don't disappoint me please.

Sigh. *Turns on music ~ No touching, no kissing......... *

What I want 2012 to be like

1. I don't want the world to end. No, really. All my cribbing on this blog may have given you the impression that I am living a miserable life. But, actually, it's not all that bad. I have decided I can live a few more years easily.

2. Since I wouldn't be dying anytime soon after all, I want my hair-fall to stop. I have done everything humanly possible (tried all those shampoos, visited far-flung salons, consulted dermatologists, bugged Sonia to apply oil on my head every night), even pleaded to God, nothing seems to work. I can't imagine living life as a bald, ageing banker.

[To make matters worse, all my bald colleagues, after taking note of my stressed looks these days, have started advising me to let go of the moh-maya. 'Nothing can be done', they whisper understandingly.]

3. I want more money in my bank account. What I have is not enough. They say that no amount of money can be enough. But I am not that greedy. I am willing to negotiate on the 'more' bit.

4. I want my work to be a breeze. Every client I meet must become a fan of my charisma instantly. They should  accept my proposals with glazed eyes and marvel at the sheer awesomeness of everything about me. They should have mini-orgasms when I present to them how working with me can change their lives and the way their business works. I want my bosses to think I am the best thing to have happened to the bank.

And all this should be done during 10AM to 5PM. I also have a life outside office (you loser with raised eyebrows)!

5. Since I am too lazy to exercise, I should have a near-perfect body (see, I don't want to be 'perfect' without effort.. and am willing to make do with only 'near perfect'). That would stop Sonia from bugging me about my bloating tummy more than anything else.

6. I want all my Facebook status updates to be 'liked' by ALL my friends and every post should have at least a dozen comments. I want my blog to be listed as the 'most popular blog by a middle-aged banker' by TIME Magazine (isn't that the magazine which brings out all such lists?). I want AdSense to offer to place advertisements on my Blog (which I shall reject) unlike last time when I applied for an AdSense account and they rejected my application *holds back tears*.

There are so many more wishes that I have. But then I don't wanna have too many expectations from the year (of doom, as they say) 2012. Signing out (for now).

Happy New Year folks..... have a great one :)

Leap of Faith?

Being the adarsh Maru boy that I am, I got married pretty early in life. Yeah, it's been two years already! I don't even remember what it feels like to be a Khulla-saand anymore (as if I was really making any good use of my 'Khulla-saand' days *sigh*) Anyway, that's not the point.

So, one of the unwanted consequences of getting married early is that most of your friends still are bachelors. And like true friends, they do everything possible to make you realize what you are missing out on. But, now time has caught up with them. Wickets are falling by the hour. All my friends are getting hitched left, right and center. Evil grin.


Even this has an unwanted consequence for me though. Each of my friends, who is being regularly put on display to the parents of any eligible girl passing-by, comes to me seeking advice. Is this the right time? What qualities should I be looking for in her? What if I marry a wrong girl? How can I be sure she is the one? Why do people say all wrong things about marriages - is it really that scary a thing?


And I am as flummoxed as they are. How should I reply? There is no checklist against which you can tick-off qualities in a girl. You just know she is the right one when you see her. Are you always 100% sure.. maybe not. But then every call in life is a leap of faith, else where would the fun be, innit? I have known women to have mandatory criteria in mind when they look for a guy - rich, classy blah blah. But not guys, we go by guts and instincts.

And is the Game Over after marriage? Let's say that the grass looks greener on the other side - but you don't know until you have crossed over :)

Of lungis, mustaches, coconut trees and more

So am back from my li'l Kerala vacation and it feels good to be home. Obviously, I am not the traveling-type at all and all you need to do to make me happy is give me a bed and my laptop.

Some highlights:

* One good outcome from the trip is that now my score is 3/3. I have gotten badly tanned.. and I was always Tall and Handsome. *evil smirk*

* In Kerala, there are coconut trees all around you - in fact, the food also reflects the abundance of coconuts in the region. However, what startled me was that in spite of coconuts falling off trees at every second step, nariyal paani was more expensive that Calcutta. I mean, seriously! Calcutta rocks!

* 90% of the men had thick mustaches (remember that old adage - Mooch nahi to kuchh nahi!). I think those who didn't must face some kind of social stigma. Actually, I am dead sure. Like made to do household chores and a being top-notch concern for parents (iski shaadi kaise hogi!)

* We were blessed with a driver who understood neither Hindi nor English. This is after specifically putting in a request for a Hindi-speaking driver with the Travel Operator. But we went along as the guy seemed genuinely nice and decent. As it turned out, it wasn't the best of things to do. He wouldn't understand a word of what I said. He would understand perfectly what my uncle said though (in his broken English mixed with Hindi and Marwari words). We would all look at them in awe as they conversed with each other. I think, in the process, we got a glimpse of how mankind first started using verbal language.

* Another thing that would amaze you from the word go is how lungis are the common man's attire. And these are not the North-Indian ones that are stitched at ends. These split right in the front ensuring maximum exposure of dark legs when the men walk. For the newbies, learn the difference here.

* As should happen with most interesting trips, our car met with an accident on the way to Kanyakumari. Though it was clearly the other car's fault, we were surrounded by a dozen localites - most of them vengeful and drunk. Luckily they didn't jump on us and started fighting only with the driver in the local dialect. When matters reached a head, they all raised their lungis above their knees (some sort of primeval stunt to threaten the opponent I guess). Though they ultimately settled that it was no one's fault, one of the locals who could speak Hindi had come to us, introduced himself as an ex-naval officer and after making few basic inquiries, prompted "I think you should resolve the issue... you have women and kids with you and this would go on for whole night".. when we refused to intervene between the driver and the localites (it was none of our business!), he suddenly started threatening that Keralites hate Bongs and that they would break the car and throw the luggage off. Obviously, looking at our stern faces, he didn't try any stunt. We guessed they were only trying to make some quick money. Phew!

So, now I am expert at planning for vacations. Rest, all izz well.

This time for Calcutta

A shy bride,
a forgotten princess,
a fairy with its ethereal charm,

With hint of glory, old,
A city will regain life,
Faces mirthful, hearts warm,



Streets will light up,
And stars'll shine the brightest,
With people, alleys aswarm,

For the Goddess is here,
And joy is here,
Blessed will be homes, blessed will be farms.

And then came Chammak Challo

If you guys remember, I wasn't very happy with Bollywood. I mean, it was going down the alley of no return, just like Manisha Koirala's career. But, of late, I have noticed that Bollywood is trying. Maybe a little too hard. But I am willing to ignore the occasional Phhir and Yeh Dooriyan... and concentrate on the Bodyguards and the Chammak Challos instead.

So, yeah Bodyguard. I was looking forward to the movie (no surprises there). The songs were just super-duper amazing. And the movie was watchable (ok, ok.. I am adding disclaimers, wait on). After the bad initial reviews, I had to literally drag Sonia and my friends to the movie. And then we chose to watch the movie in a multiplex! You can imagine the sheepish grins I was giving throughout. I mean what kind of people wouldn't burst into ceetis and mad applause when the hero jumps out of a moving train onto the roof of another train running in the opposite direction, or when jets of water tear his shirt away to reveal ripped muscles? Bloody snooty tight-asses I tell you! Anyway, I enjoyed the movie. For an earnest Salman. And for a brilliant Kareena. The world can go and get their pants in a twist for all I care.

And now this song which has been on my mind for the last few days. It doesn't really matter that Shahrukh Khan is looking like a retard in the song... maybe they will justify the effects of botox-overdose by some element in the plot which requires him to look thus. I like the song, nevertheless. The beats are amazing - Akon has done a good job. And so has the choreographer.. the moves are funny and they give me another reason to laugh at SRK.

Finally, what's with all the girls and women in my house getting all excited about Mausam? I mean there was so much heartache when the movie's release got postponed. I am sure the movie will be terrible. But can someone decipher for me what the hullabaloo is all about?

Who would you rather be?

The poet, who paints on the canvas of thought,
And hums a forgotten tune as rhymes are wrought?
Beautiful is how the world seems to him,
But not him if surrealism is what you seek not.


The actor, who dons a new skin everyday,
and emotes without effort, as myriad layers peel away?
But to none does he reveal what hides in his heart,
So not him if for you, secrets are not part of the play.


The saint, who chooses that which is pure and austere,
With his heart all empty and mind unnaturally clear?
His desires ended even before the time could begin,
Never him if you think you could care for someone's tear.

The clown, and his dance, and his jokes, and his smile,
Who makes your day, with his simple style?
He is in everyone, and yet, none want this fate,
So why not him, if you haven't made anyone laugh in a while?