Kahan se kharidi, aisi Bokwaas script? Wait, who cares for a script, let's make cars fly!

Bringing Lungis back in fashion
- Chinnai Express collection

I was never fond of travelling by train. Even as a kid, while my cousins would fight for the window seat, I would be only too happy to lodge myself on the upper berth with a comic book in my hand. 

And then there are always painful memories of that exceptionally long train journey, of being stuck in an 'express' train that trudges along at snail speed, delayed by several hours, of bowels giving you trouble (it always happens to me in a train!), of the bawling of hawkers, of over-crowded compartments because of ticket-less passengers requesting you to 'adjust'. Watching Chennai Express was like reliving those memories. Plus SRK and his hamming thrown in. Need I say more?

The movie is all about Rahul, a 40-year old smart-ass, who tries in vain to make you laugh at his buffoonery, all done in the name (and much to the shame) of common man. In most of the movie, he just whines and cribs like an extremely nagging girlfriend, and actually does a poor job of even that with his comic timing way off the mark. He also wins the award for the shadiest hero ever, who, upon being beaten by the villain, meekly leads him to their secret hideout to capture the heroine as well. Surprisingly, the only funny moments in the movie come from Deepika, who methinks has done a somewhat better job here than most other movies where she chooses to just expose her legs instead. 

So this kid in the family sitting next to us at the theater complains to his dad during interval, 'Papa, I am bored.'

Papa suggests, 'Play game on the phone, beta'

'Kuch comedy hi nahi hai'

'Arre, second half mein aayega shayad'

And then when the movie ended, he asks, 'Papa, is movie ka naam Chennai Express kyun hai?' I did not wait for his father's reply.

Sadly, the future of Bollywood doesn't look bright either. With Shahid Kapoor impersonating a dog, and Ranbir Kapoor advocating 'padding' for men, the movie buff in me can only weep. Tragic, no?

Return of the skinny Hero

The malnourished, skinny
hero is back?

It is not technically a 'return', as Bollywood never really had skinny heroes. But the whole obsession with ripped abs and bulging biceps had attained completely crazy proportions of late. Even the background dancers in Bollywood songs these days seem to be gym-regulars. I mean, what had the world come to.... But then I saw the promo of Raanjhanaa... and heaved a sigh of relief.

Let me explain the background first.

As those of you, who read my blog on and off, already know, I am no Adonis. From early childhood I have been lanky, those types whose muscles refuse to camouflage the bones, and the latter stick out at odd angles all over the body. I successfully managed to thwart Mummy's attempts to feed me nutritious food, and remained proud of my lean frame. By the time I realized that girls had now started drooling over Salman Khan and John Abraham, it was too late.

But now, I am hoping, the trend shall reverse. I shall proudly wear my half-sleeved T-shirt and roam around on the roads. No more would Sonia look at me tirchi nazron se, when while watching a movie, the hero on screen lifts up the heroine in his arms and pirouettes all around. And if anyone ever makes fun of my non-existent biceps, I can shut them up by saying - Fashion hai yaar, even heroes are skinny these days. 

Amen.

Bollywood, you have sinned!

If you want to get into my bad bad books, you don't really have to try that hard. Try any of these things and I will run after you like a mad bull:

1. You make fun of bald men: Yes, I find such stupid jokes to be in extremely bad taste. I mean why single out bald men - make fun of those fat men, those short men, those Bihari men who hold each others' hands while crossing the road, those hippie men with long hair, that John Abraham strutting around in undies, Uday Chopra getting another movie, Shahrukh Khan doing... anything (haha, really weird!), Arindam Chaudhury, Saurav Ganguly - there are so many options. I just don't like such silly banter about bald men - and no, it's got nothing to do at all with the fact that I am losing hair at a crazy pace.

2. You say Harry Potter is meant for kids. I just have one word for you. Muggle!

3. You mess around with anything that's related to Sridevi. And Bollywood, you are testing my patience on this one. I mean why can't you leave some things alone. Just, just leave them alone, my memories of Sridevi included.

First it was Tusshar Kapoor - who's an example of everything that can horribly go wrong to a star-kid born without looks or talent - trying to bump bottoms with some female (who agreed to act opposite him!) and rendering irreparable damage to one of the bestest Sridevi songs that ever was.

Then it's that John Abraham, whose career has quickly gone down the chute (in spite of him stripping for filmmakers who are known to appreciate such things) trying to pull a fast one here. I mean, how lame does it sound! ... whoever thought it was a brilliant idea to twist around with the lyrics of the song is an ass!

And then we have some ghostly-white belle from south impersonating Sridevi herself! If you guys have run out of original ideas, fine, I can tolerate all of that. But, don't mess around with things that are too sacred to touch. Get it this time...

Lux wala Shahrukh

It's been a while that I have written anything on Bollywood at all. And every time this happens, I start getting all panicky. I loiter around the house, lost in thoughts (making Sonia anxious) and also my bowel movements suffer (making me anxious). So, let me get this out of the way like it should be done, by blogging about all the recent stuff Bollywood has made me sit through.


Garmi wali Thand

In Garmi wali Thand, girls wear overcoats
with short skirts

Student of the Year was made with a purpose. To boost sales of pharma companies: by sending an entire generation of teenagers into depression about how their school isn't as cool as the one shown in the movie, about why the guys can't have those rippling muscles by the time they are sixteen, about why the school-girls can't go on holidays with friends to exotic beaches and strut around in flimsy bikinis, about why if their parents had to be poor, they could at least be able to afford designer clothes and sports bike, like in the movie. Of course, the movie had other agendas too: like launch the next Arjun Rampal (with, possibly, the shadiest ever double-meaning song playing in the background).

In the movie, Kareena kept waiting
for a policeman with a dead son
and a mad wife

Aamir wali Movie

Like all movie-goers, even I was looking forward to the next Aamir movie. Kuch to alag hoga, for sure. Little did I know that it will be baap of all alag movies. It was like Paris Hilton inviting you for a date and then when you reach the venue, you find Uday Chopra sitting there with pink roses in his hands. It was like you showing all answers to the pretty girl sitting behind you in the exam and then during the bye-bye moment, she saying 'Thank you bhaiya'. I mean the performances were good and all, but who the fuck goes and watches a Bollywood movie for performances. Only saving grace was Kareena looking like million bucks, even in the devastatingly KLPD climax.


Lux wala Shahrukh

Sale of Lux Soap dropped sigficantly after
the release of JTHJ

It is perhaps the worst kept secret in India that men use Lux Soap and Fair & Lovely cream (not the mardon wali, but the original one). The sale of Lux Soap had actually skyrocketed after Shahrukh Khan was shown on TV using it, kind of legitimizing what men had always done anyway. But much to HUL's chagrin, Shahrukh plays a 25-year old with wrinkles in Jab Tak Hai Jaan. Men came out of the theater wondering if the same would happen to them if they continued using Lux. The movie also starred Katrina Kaif's wax statue and Anushka Sharma, who was dressed in Lux (different from the above Lux) underwear and banyaan.

Sridevi taught viewers how to speak with
a French guy in Hindi

Sridevi wala Back-with-a-Bang

Midst all the madness, there was a no-nonsense, light-hearted, simple tale of love, respect, dignity and pain, that tickled your funny bone and tugged at your tear-ducts at the same time.

Ok, ok, I am a big-time Sridevi fan (as all those who read this blog already know) and my reviews are normally biased. But this was one good movie, and no one can take that away.


Next post on Bollywood only after I come back from my little vacation and then having seen Mr. Chulbul Pandey in his new avatar *Giggles*

It roars, whether you like it or not

It will not make you roll in laughter at bawdy jokes or PG-13 innuendos. It does not have dhinchak songs that instantly get added to any DJ's playlist. The action sequences are not out-of-the-world like Wanted, Dabangg, Ready or Bodyguard. And, well, okay, it also has the same-ole story rehashed a hundred times in Bollywood already.

And yet, Tiger roars. Roars in its simple humor. Roars in music that slowly grows on you. Roars as it avoids easy traps of melodrama and mushy romance. Roars in amazingly beautiful cinematography. Roars as it rides as much on Katrina's petite shoulders as on Salman Bhai's machismo.

When you put two of the best looking stars in Bollywood together on screen, you don't ask for much more. But Ek tha Tiger offers more, and offers everything that Salman movies these days don't. Take that from a fan who has seen every shitty movie that ever starred Salman, and has adored all of them. 

It's a simple story, told simply. With some subtle, unadulterated fun.

And, talk about screen presence. Fucking screen presence. Just leave Salman on screen, yeah, and all is taken care of. Mashallah.

Of Kajras, Chummas and Mungdas

Item numbers have always formed an integral part of my movie-going experience. And I, for one, take them seriously boss. But then this post is not about the over-the-top item numbers of today.

This is about those songs which made you shamelessly dance away in drunken glory at some point of time in your life, songs which you have karaoke-d with your chaddi-buddies when you were young and innocent, with suppressed giggles and an eye on the lookout - you wouldn't want grown-ups to hear you singing them, songs which when played today seem like a forgotten tune, but then you hum along nevertheless, remembering fun that was of yesterday.


Confused?

Lemme make it easy. Imagine a group of drunken men dancing - late 20s, early 30s, middle-aged. Drunken men dance like.. umm.. drunken men. But, then, at times, the dancing attains a different level of totally mad frenzy.. when the DJ plays certain item songs. This post is about such songs.



Saat Samundar - Clearly one of the reasons why Vishwatma shouldn't be labeled a forgettable film. No, the song's not on the list because of a gyrating Divya Bharti alone. The lyrics inspire some of the most imaginative dance moves ever.

Jhuma Chumma de de - One song that makes every guy on the dance floor think of himself as Amitabh Bacchan out to woo the Kimi Katkar dancing a few feet away. The flirtatious undertones of the song provide perfect cue for discarding all sanity, and sensibilities.

Mungda - Without exception, all songs of Helen are pieces of majestic art. However, Mungda surpasses all of them in its sheer sensuality. Helen wasn't exactly very young when this song was shot.. and yet, she could easily have given the Sheilas and Munnis of today a run for their money.

Oye oye - If there was one thing that Rajiv Rai got right in his movies, it was to have peppy numbers in place, and make cute looking actresses maro latkas and jhatkas on them. Not surprising then, that a lot of songs from his movies feature on my list. For Oye Oye though, it wasn't Sonam (who Rajiv Rai later married) alone, it was also Nasiruddin Shah's rustic nautanki that made the song what it is. Tridev had other good item songs too (in particular this one where Sangeeta Bijlani seduces the entire theater), but nothing quite compares to Oye Oye.

Tu cheez badi hai mast mast - Clearly Mohra was the one movie that highlighted Raveena Tandon's career in Bollywood. No, she did not play a very important role in the movie. She only danced to rapchik songs like Mast Mast and Tip tip barsa pani.

One two ka four - The only male item song that deserves a mention here. I can't say whether it was Anil Kapoor's moustache (as if he needs any more body hair), a demure looking Madhuri, the sheer narcissism portrayed in the lyrics or some unknown mystery that makes the song a favorite.

Ek do teen - Tezaab could have been a cult movie. Many say it already is. Not me. And I can't decide on what shouldn't have been there in the movie - Chunky Pandey? Mandakini's hamming? And if it is indeed a cult movie, then it is only because of Mohini and her counting abilities.


Kajra Re - It is with a lot of self-control that I have included this song here. My antipathy for the femme fatale who danced on this song is not unknown really. But this song is legendary, alrite, and I couldn't have not included it in my favorite list, in spite of her and a nauseating Abhishek Bacchan. As consolation to myself, I will put up a pic of Rakhi Sawant dancing on this song instead.


Choli ke peeche kya hai - When I was really really young (not too young to not understand what this song meant though), my uncle had gotten this recorded in an audio cassette and would secretly play it when no one was around. To his bad luck, the cassette was soon discovered and promptly thrown into the dustbin. It's tough to decide what makes the song so vulgar (and hence, so interesting to drunken men) - the lyrics, Madhuri's dance, Neena Gupta's suggestive looks or the lust in Sanjay Dutt's eyes. Do watch the video, if only for the hilarious subtitles that I managed to find.

Last Note: This is my list. Your list can be, and should be, different from mine. So Chill, and have fun :-)

The Baap List of all Item numbers!

Coming Soon.

Watch this space for more!

Update: If you really wanna read, just go here.

Popcorn tub, large coke and ample tears

Tears ran down Rani Mukherjee's cheeks as she spoke to her father on the phone. The father is evil and he wants her to earn money, at any cost.

P reached out for R's arm and held her tight. It was then I realized, that sitting in between two girls in a movie like 'Laaga Chunari Mein Daag' was a bad bad idea.

So, yeah, P was crying. And R consoled her with these endearing words, 'Men are like this only re, we are destined to suffer!' The fact that both of them will soon graduate from IIMB and actually bring many a men to tears in the corporate world clearly didn't matter. Also, they totally forgot that I, another 'evil' man sitting in the middle seat, could hear them. I was only supposed to look repentant on getting dirty glances from them every time a man made Rani Mukherjee suffer on the big screen in front of us.

End of part one.

The mother-in-law was at her best, hurling choicest abuses at the meek bahu. The entire confusion was actually a big misunderstanding - however, it was clear that, for now, the bahu has to suffer.

Thus ended a maha-episode of one of the most popular serials on TV, leaving the women in the house close to tears. The daughters-in-law (DIL) at home immediately burst into a tirade against the evil mother-in-law (MIL) on screen, also pointing out how in reality too the MILs don't understand the DILs at all. The MIL of the family, on the other hand, sided with the on-screen MIL and also took this opportunity to lambast the DILs in general. It does matter, of course, that the MIL and DILs at home are actually at peace, with no warring tendencies at all.

End of part two.

So, yeah, we, Indians, love drama. And we take this seriously enough. Be it Bollywood, Ekta Kapoor serials, IPL, Satyamev Jayate or anything else that can tug at our tear-ducts - we lurrrvve the drama.

The only problem I have with this whole nonsense is how people forget that what they are watching is scripted, fabricated, meant to entertain and not to be emulated or learnt lessons from. For example, all the male characters in these serials are pansies, with no dialogues, who cry like a girl whenever their girlfriends / wives are angry / upset, do not seem to have to work for a living and can be seen at home all the time showering praises on the women - such cutie pies they are! Now if all women start believing that this is how men should be, tab to ho gaya na!

Look at people from South India for example. Arrey, take these movies and these stars a little less seriously na?

End of random rant.

I know what you did in 2011

I had been watching you, Bollywood. And I have always known what you are up to.

In 2011, you succumbed to new lows - and that hurts me. And I must tell you that this is not done. You have to work as much on our relationship as I have been doing. And you will also have to explain to me - why this Kolaveri Di?

1. Setting: A song-sequence inside a classroom of a school - First Standard, or maybe, Second, if you stretch your imagination a little.
Teacher: A plump Vidya Balan.
Plot: A wardrobe malfunction.
As Bappi Da's supersonic voice booms in the background ~ Giraake apna pallu, Baar baar... Kar deti ho humko, Bekarar ~ Vidya's pallu actually drops, revealing ample bosom. Wait, I am not mad about this bit. What happens next is the earth-shatteringly dumb part. All the kids (yes, kids!) in the class, get super-excited at the serendipitous mistake by their teacher and throw their books all around to celebrate.
I get that this was supposed to be funny. But maybe, Bollywood, you are trying too hard.


2. Setting: A video-game turned real
Characters: The Good Guy..err.. no, Robot...err.. no, Clone.. err, no, some Holographic Image of a video-game Hero... erm.. ok, let's just call him G.One. Similarly, the other guy, let's just call him Ra.One.
Plot: Making the world a little more gay-friendly.
Ra.One is about to kill G.One. And G.One needs to survive, so that he can kill Ra.One later. Simple. And the only way he can save himself is by grabbing Ra.One's crotch. So, he does that. And then, both of them blankly look into each others' eyes uttering inane dialogues like "Yeh kya kar rahe ho G.One? ... I don't know".. till the level ends in the supposed game they are playing, saving G.One and thereby, humanity.
Bollywood, listen to me and not SRK, you will do well. Trust me on this one.

3. Setting: Doesn't matter
Characters: Don't matter
Plot: Doesn't matter
The movie has Mimon Chakravarty / Mahaakksshhaaay / Gobbledygook
End of argument.

4. Murder of Item Numbers: I have earlier professed on this blog my love for item-numbers. That doesn't mean you will start belting out one inane item number after another, differentiating one from the other only by inventing a new name for the item girl: Jalebi Bai, Chameli, Dilli ki Billi and what not. Jeez.

I don't even want to crib any further. I am willing to give you one more chance. Don't disappoint me please.

Sigh. *Turns on music ~ No touching, no kissing......... *

And then came Chammak Challo

If you guys remember, I wasn't very happy with Bollywood. I mean, it was going down the alley of no return, just like Manisha Koirala's career. But, of late, I have noticed that Bollywood is trying. Maybe a little too hard. But I am willing to ignore the occasional Phhir and Yeh Dooriyan... and concentrate on the Bodyguards and the Chammak Challos instead.

So, yeah Bodyguard. I was looking forward to the movie (no surprises there). The songs were just super-duper amazing. And the movie was watchable (ok, ok.. I am adding disclaimers, wait on). After the bad initial reviews, I had to literally drag Sonia and my friends to the movie. And then we chose to watch the movie in a multiplex! You can imagine the sheepish grins I was giving throughout. I mean what kind of people wouldn't burst into ceetis and mad applause when the hero jumps out of a moving train onto the roof of another train running in the opposite direction, or when jets of water tear his shirt away to reveal ripped muscles? Bloody snooty tight-asses I tell you! Anyway, I enjoyed the movie. For an earnest Salman. And for a brilliant Kareena. The world can go and get their pants in a twist for all I care.

And now this song which has been on my mind for the last few days. It doesn't really matter that Shahrukh Khan is looking like a retard in the song... maybe they will justify the effects of botox-overdose by some element in the plot which requires him to look thus. I like the song, nevertheless. The beats are amazing - Akon has done a good job. And so has the choreographer.. the moves are funny and they give me another reason to laugh at SRK.

Finally, what's with all the girls and women in my house getting all excited about Mausam? I mean there was so much heartache when the movie's release got postponed. I am sure the movie will be terrible. But can someone decipher for me what the hullabaloo is all about?

The Review that you don't wanna Read(y)

Ok, first things first - I am a hardcore Salman Khan fan. So this review is gonna be biased, very biased. You got a problem, you know where to shove it. Secondly, most reviewers have trashed the movie into the garbage can. If you enjoyed reading any of those reviews, please read no further.

As this blog would have given you a hint, I was 'Ready' for Ready. Having booked tickets in the local single-screen theater well in advance (instead of the conventional - and wallet-emptying - multiplexes), I waited with bated breath to experience the onslaught. And the chawanni crowd in the theater lived up to my expectations. Whistles, hoots, cat-calls and thunderous applause drowned half the dialogues in the movie, the junta went into splits every-time Salman Bhai cracked a shady double-meaning joke, the crazy songs made the tapori fans groove in their seats. Interestingly, the entire row behind us was occupied by a bunch of aunties and their 4-5 year olds. The aunties and their kids guffawed together as Salman taunted Asin on the tight fitting of her jeans. And I was taken back in time to an era when I would squirm in my seat if anything remotely sexual would be shown in a movie that I was watching with my parents (I still do!). But a lot has changed since then.

I think what is very different (and delightful) in this movie for a Salman Khan fan is to watch Salman getting increasingly comfortable in the skin of his characters. Though he still wouldn't slap the item-girls on their bums in a song-sequence (and merely pretend to do so), he doesn't flinch anymore while uttering innuendos, the smirk doesn't go away, he doesn't look blank, drunk and lost. He has embraced the comic genre and improvised it like no one ever has. Not everyone can make you laugh while uttering dialogues like 'ghaas sukh gayi hai, geeli kar deta hoon" !!

Watch the movie for an experience that is Salman. For everything else, there will be another movie releasing soon :)

I want to love you once again, Bollywood.

As a moviegoer I don't ask for much. I am happy with cheap mad comedies full of double entendre. I can also sit through cleverly made emo stuff. And I obviously adore movies made for children. But then, in spite of being so tolerant, there are some things that make me angry. Really really angry. What the f*** are the movie-makers thinking?

*Shahrukh Khan has no work. If he is not busy flashing his undies while trying to play cricket, and inviting useless, work-less co-stars to KKR matches, he makes stupid inane movies where he plays the Superhero. Shahrukh, you are always a Superhero, even when you are effortlessly playing a retard and even when you stammer while (st)uttering your girlfriend's name and even when you have a hole in your heart and even when you shamelessly showcase painted abs. You are the man (Even KJo vouches for it). So when you are actually a superhero in a movie, it would be an overkill, don't you think?

*Pehli galti baap ne aisa beta paida karke ki. Doosri galti producers karte hain inhe hero banakar. But then you have Vikram Bhatt who believes that he should give Mimoh Chakravarty a second chance. I mean, come on? Changing your name and getting a different haircut doesn't change who you are, especially when you are someone who has "I act worse than Viveik Oberoi" written all over his forehead.

*Item numbers form am integral part of my movie experience. So when Munni and Sheila maro their jhatkas and latkas, I forgive the director for some other goof-ups that he would have made in the movie somewhere. But you cannot take my weakness for granted. No Sir, not at all. I mean are you out of your frigging mind?

*They make movies that you can't watch with your wives or girlfriends. I mean the movie was hilarious. But you can't even admit that it's hilarious. I mean dude, give us a warning in the promos, can't you?

Sigh. Now its all upto Salman Khan to redeem Bollywood once again.

Only one more week to go. *Screams*

Bringing Sexy Back

I don't think I wished you people Happy New Year. I was too busy making plans for my Calcutta escape. Now that that is settled (almost), I am back *dhinchak background music*

A lot happened in Bollywood in 2010. But I want more. Much more. And some more of the old. Here's a list of what I would like to see in 2011:

Mamta Kulkarni: *Background Music: Gupchup gupchup*
Sheila and Munni may have impressed you to no end. But here was someone who could look sleazy without even trying. Whether dancing to lewd item-numbers or romancing Mithun-da, this Bholi-bhali ladki could set the screen on fire effortlessly. If Yana Gupta can make a scandalous come-back, Mamta can do much better. Let's root for MK's comeback. Yay.

Baba Sehgal: *Background Music: Aaja Meri Gadi mein baith ja*
The first pop-star (erm.. rapper?) of India deserves better than been forgotten. While you may remember classics like Dil Dhadke because of Pooja Bedi and not Baba Sehgal, still Baba has many more under his belt like Thanda Thanda Paani. So, we want the best rapist of India (as someone's comment on youtube calls him) to be back. And this time Long drive jayenge, full speed jayenge, kahin rukenge na hum :-P

David Dhawan-Govinda-Karishma Kapoor: *Background Music: Meri pant bhi sexy hai*
I need not tell you why. If you have read even one of my earlier blogs, you would know how much I adore such drama. Senseless, baseless, mad comedies are my thing. And even better if they have lewd, suggestive songs. Pure bliss.

Tum to thehre Pardesi and Desi Remixes: *Background Music: Ila Arun and Usha Uthup fighting*
I mean you didn't grow up in India if you didn't go to school humming that hideous Altaf Raja song and then silently praying that he never sings again (he tried and failed, that's another story). He was the Himessss of those days - every autowala and paan-dukaanwala loved him. He set such standards which years later only Himessss could break. I want him back. Not only because I love tragedies but also because I want Himessss to go.



Rakhi ka Swayamvar Season 2: *Background Music: Episode 1 of Rakhi ka Insaaf*
Ever seen a kid these days watching Pokemon or Doraemon? It is with similar fascination that I watch Rakhi Sawant. I mean even her goddamn serial has its own Wikipedia page! (What's wrong with humankind?). I want season 2 - since she is single and ready-to-mingle again. And I want more masala this time. I want the world to end and I want Udai Chopra to act again. Phew.

The Return of Randomness

* I don't think I told you guys about my amazing new laptop. Yes, the old laptop simply crashed. The keypad had stopped working a long time back - now the hard disk too called it quits. The new lappy has a cam as well - I video-chatted for the first time in my life! Yes, being technologically-backward ensures that you get these weird kicks out of things others would call pretty ordinary.

* Work at office is getting more excrutiating by the hour. Yes, yes, we all hate our work but can one really hate his work as much as I do? To add to my woes, many among my office junta have started reading my blog - so I can't even write nasty stuff about work anymore.

* Once in a while, something will happen that will make you regret missing out on some very important event or action in life. Watching Dabangg was one such moment. It made me regret how I never could learn to bajao a shrill ceeti in childhood. Dabangg had many such scenes where normal mortals would errupt in an euphoria of ceetis and cat-calls. But I forget that multiplex-going-sophisticated-Mumbaikars aren't so mortal as Malancha-cinema-going-Calcutta-based-kanjoos-Marus. Btw, read Greatbong's awesome review here.

* Throwing caution to the air, I must tell you all about how my colleague noticed that someone from senior management at work doesn't fit into his chair anymore. She also demonstrated how parts of his body hang precariously over the sides of the chair - and how the chair makes squeaking noices every time he sits on it as if crying for mercy. We suspect that the chair is secretly replaced every night as it is not possible for any chair to sustain all the weight for two days in a row.

* TV serials are my new-found-love. This certainly deserves a blog on its own. Will come up with something soon.

Lo Aaj Main Kahta Hoon

Ok, so, I love bollywood! And continuing in the same line of thought as this post of mine, I will list down the 5 most amazingly fantastic memories I have of old-school Bollywood:

1. Tumne jo li angdayi hai - Mr. India was a movie that the kids thoroughly enjoyed. Sci-fi was an unexploited genre in Hindi cinema. The unadulterated comedy struck a chord with each person in the audience. However, one song, one wet and stormy night, a gyrating Sridevi, Kaate Nahi Kat te - and many among the kids spent several sleepless nights!

Years later, Raveena tried to create the same magic, but not quite.

2. Pyaar dosti hai - The only KJo movie that I don't mind watching again and again. With Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, the Archies came to India. Skirts got shorter, college-life was redefined, Kajol's one eyebrow became a pair of eyebrows, precocious kids came to dominate Hindi cinema, and I finally realized that I have to have to hate Shahrukh Khan.

(C'mon guys, this one is really after a long time - and not even nasty!)

3. Mausi chakki peesing - Sholay was not a movie. It was a piece of art. Every frame was perfect, every character chiseled out of storyteller's finest imagination, every dialogue legendary. The only possible flaw in the whole movie was that it could inspire someone to remake the movie years later, to a disastrous effect.

4. We love Maneka Gandhi - I am no pet-lover. But I used to love when movies had these wonderful multi-purpose pets. Pigeons as carriers of love-messages, Dogs as faithful friends, Monkeys as entertainers, Deepak Tijori and (recently) Udai Chopra as sidekicks.

5. Kya bolta re tu? - As anyone who has seen my drunken dancing would know, I dig chaalu Bollywood music. By 'chaalu' I mean songs that run thus -
Humein Tomtom se ja rahe the, tumhein cycle se aana tha
Aati kya Khandala?
Unchi hai building, lift teri band hai
Meri Pant bhi sexy
Hai Huku Hai Huku
A aa ee, o oo oo, mera dil na todo

Are you surprised to see that most of these songs had Karishma Kapoor? :) Miss that era!

From Bollywood with Love

I have developed this one bad habit of late - of reading movie reviews before I go and watch them. Maybe this is because I seldom go for movies now and so have to really decide which ones to watch. Earlier, it was simple - one on Saturday, one on Sunday - if three movies have released the same week, then maybe one on Friday as well. Bachelorhood had its own share of fun!


But reading movie reviews before I watch them kills half the fun. Also, you are annoyed when you read these idiots dole out crap saying how the movie didn't do anything for them at an intellectual level. Right! You are watching Bollywood - let it remain Bollywood-like. As it is, Bollywood these days has lost much of its charm. What with all the 'different' plots and 'contemporary' movies!


I desperately want those days back when you go and watch a movie because you want your grey cells to rest for 3 odd hours, where you can laugh at silly jokes like this one, and jump in your seats at scenes like this one, and throw chawannis on the screen when Katrina Kaif dances like this.


So, here's a list of 5 things that I miss about Bollywood:


1. Bhagwan ke liye mujhe chod do:
These scenes used to be the highlight of any villain's career. Higher the number rape scenes he has done, larger would be his bargaining power with the producer. Small-time villains would try to rape the hero's sister. Stalwarts got to rape the heroine herself. And super-villains would get dialogues like "Itni acchi cheez ko Bhagwan ke liye kaise chod doo". 
For the actresses, it was double-bonanza. Their blatant over-acting would get passed off as brilliant histrionics. And they got to expose sans raised eyebrows from the moral police. Sigh, those were the days.


2. Maa:
The Original Bollywood Maa was teary-eyed, overflowing with emotion, ever-sacrificing, pitiable creature. She was the one who made the women burst into tears and made the men feel guilty for the torture that their kind was inflicting on the Maa onscreen. Then, times changed. Moviemakers realized that they need not have a separate Helen as Item-girl. The Maa could double-hat (see here). 


3. Black Vs White:
I don't have the time or the patience to analyze who is good and who is bad. The bad guy should look really evil and hatred for him should come naturally. He can try being bald or having long, bushy mustache. He should use only foul language and look at all the female characters with gandi nazar.
I hate shades of grey. I don't like anti-heroes.


4. Rita Bani Sita - In the same line of thought, the mashooka should be hot and the wife should be dressed like sati-savitri. Thus, when the hero and the heroine get married, the heroine's attire needs to be changed. (this to this). 
First, actors don't get married at all in today's movies! And when they do, the girl still pirouettes around in skimpy clothes, not caring for our sanskars. Me not likes at all. 


5. Ek Ladka aur ladki kabhi dost nahi ho sakte: 
This should be crystal clear for all. I am fed up of all the 'we are only friends' stories. Show them love stories. Btw, watch the legendary scene here


Though, even today, Bollywood does occasionally surprise us with classics like Prince and Ek Second - Jo Zindagi Badal De. But these are far off and in-between. As a hamming Shahrukh Khan would say, Yeh dil mange more!

To write or not to write

I have never written a movie review before.  

But the temptation is just too much to handle.... ahh