Saturday, July 31, 2010

From Bollywood with Love

I have developed this one bad habit of late - of reading movie reviews before I go and watch them. Maybe this is because I seldom go for movies now and so have to really decide which ones to watch. Earlier, it was simple - one on Saturday, one on Sunday - if three movies have released the same week, then maybe one on Friday as well. Bachelorhood had its own share of fun!

But reading movie reviews before I watch them kills half the fun. Also, you are annoyed when you read these idiots dole out crap saying how the movie didn't do anything for them at an intellectual level. Right! You are watching Bollywood - let it remain Bollywood-like. As it is, Bollywood these days has lost much of its charm. What with all the 'different' plots and 'contemporary' movies!

I desperately want those days back when you go and watch a movie because you want your grey cells to rest for 3 odd hours, where you can laugh at silly jokes like this one, and jump in your seats at scenes like this one, and throw chawannis on the screen when Katrina Kaif dances like this.

So, here's a list of 5 things that I miss about Bollywood:

1. Bhagwan ke liye mujhe chod do:
These scenes used to be the highlight of any villain's career. Higher the number rape scenes he has done, larger would be his bargaining power with the producer. Small-time villains would try to rape the hero's sister. Stalwarts got to rape the heroine herself. And super-villains would get dialogues like "Itni acchi cheez ko Bhagwan ke liye kaise chod doo". 
For the actresses, it was double-bonanza. Their blatant over-acting would get passed off as brilliant histrionics. And they got to expose sans raised eyebrows from the moral police. Sigh, those were the days.

2. Maa:
The Original Bollywood Maa was teary-eyed, overflowing with emotion, ever-sacrificing, pitiable creature. She was the one who made the women burst into tears and made the men feel guilty for the torture that their kind was inflicting on the Maa onscreen. Then, times changed. Moviemakers realized that they need not have a separate Helen as Item-girl. The Maa could double-hat (see here)

3. Black Vs White:
I don't have the time or the patience to analyze who is good and who is bad. The bad guy should look really evil and hatred for him should come naturally. He can try being bald or having long, bushy mustache. He should use only foul language and look at all the female characters with gandi nazar.
I hate shades of grey. I don't like anti-heroes.

4. Rita Bani Sita - In the same line of thought, the mashooka should be hot and the wife should be dressed like sati-savitri. Thus, when the hero and the heroine get married, the heroine's attire needs to be changed. (this to this)
First, actors don't get married at all in today's movies! And when they do, the girl still pirouettes around in skimpy clothes, not caring for our sanskars. Me not likes at all. 

5. Ek Ladka aur ladki kabhi dost nahi ho sakte: 
This should be crystal clear for all. I am fed up of all the 'we are only friends' stories. Show them love stories. Btw, watch the legendary scene here

Though, even today, Bollywood does occasionally surprise us with classics like Prince and Ek Second - Jo Zindagi Badal De. But these are far off and in-between. As a hamming Shahrukh Khan would say, Yeh dil mange more!

Thursday, July 08, 2010

Because God doesn't like me

Yes, I have arrived at this conclusion after a lot of deliberation and debate. It is high time now that I confront him, to put an end to all this madness. 
And this post ideally should be in Hindi - the drama just comes out better. But then my laptop sucks and typing in English itself is an ordeal. Also, you will soon be enlightened about my paranormal translation skills. So, here we go. 

*deep breath*   
You must be so happy today! 
All through my life, I have never uttered a word. Ever since I was a kid, your world has doled out atrocity after atrocity on me – I always took everything to be your wish. 

(Aaj to bahut khush hoge tum!

Bachpan se lekar aaj tak, tumhari is duniya ne zakhma par zakma diye hain mujhe, lekin main sab kuch tumhari marzi samajh kar chup chap sahta raha)

- Guys are supposed to be good at cricket. Period.
But I was always beyond being pathetic. Evil laughter of all the para-boys (para = locality) when I got out for a duck again or when I dropped a lopa-lopa (slang for 'too easy to miss') catch, still rings clearly in my ears.
I said nothing to you. I never prayed that I should be the star player in the para tournament.

 - My world was shattered when I found out that Sridevi had married a motu and taklu Boney Kapoor. I mean, come on, I looked so much better! And I even remained faithful to her through atrocious movies like Nakabandi and Chandramukhi.
Maine tab bhi tumse kuch nahi kaha.

- In a world where girls go all gaga over brawn (and caring little for brains!), I was always lanky, all skin-and-bones. After all, which girl would want to date a guy who would give her competition in the waistline category? I was the favorite rakhi-brother material.
Still, I waited, patiently, for my time to come.

- Even in IIMB, you tortured me with Quant! What were the professors expecting? That we are  mutated maniacs and that we have mini-orgasms while solving super-complex mathematical problems? Ok, maybe some of those weird engineer-geeks do get all ecstatic while solving Double Integration of a differential equation or some such shit! But I don't. And, it was third degree torture to me.
I took the C in Quant to be my fate. Quietly.  

- When I joined work, you gave me evil super-bosses. Evil means really evil - descendants of Sauron, devotees of Mugambo, minions of Voldemort! I never fought back, never spat in their face or pushed them in front of a speeding car. I satisfied myself by gossiping about their extra-marital affairs instead.

- You gave me a paunch and white hair. You made college-kids call me 'uncle' in local trains. But today the lakshman-rekha was crossed
Main ab chup nahi rahoonga .
While having a bath today, when I found that the drain is completely clogged because of my falling hair, and the naked truth stared at me, I was livid.

Aisa kya bigada hai maine tumhara? Itna bhi zulm mat kar ki duniya mein sabka tujhpar se bharosa uth jaye. Please, please, please!

Relief! *deeper breath*

Sunday, July 04, 2010

Randomness.... all over again!

*My office people have been  planning a team-offsite in Goa. They tell me it will be a lot of fun. And then they tell me that we have to make powerpoint presentations and participate in fruitful discussions and team-building exercises and a whole lot of other crap! Am lost. And am already sure I will hate it.
*'I hate Luv Storys' was time-pass. The pair looked good onscreen. Songs were hummable. PVR seats were extremely comfortable. And caramel popcorn was pure bliss.
*I have got this cool little gadget on my Blog which tells me who all have been visiting my blog, as in from which country, which state, which link, which website. It also offers me uber-cool analytics and reports and stuff. I found that many visitors arrived on the blog from Google. Here is what they searched for -

Life at IIMB (After reading all my cribbing, the person would have the most distorted view of life at IIMB!), yogizone blogspot (I danced for half an hour when I found that someone actually googled for my blog!),  if sabzi mein namak zyada ho to kya karein (this got thrown up in results!),  yogi zone (this time it was the hula),  are Indians smelly? (!!!!),  bachelors not allowed Mumbai (I was amused),  Flute Player (All smiles),  Kaam wali bai ko ragda (And I died
*Toy Story 3 was pure awesomeness. It's not for the kid in you - it is for You, if you have ever been a kid that is. And if, as a kid, you have ever had stuff that you treasured!   

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