Kahan se kharidi, aisi Bokwaas script? Wait, who cares for a script, let's make cars fly!

Bringing Lungis back in fashion
- Chinnai Express collection

I was never fond of travelling by train. Even as a kid, while my cousins would fight for the window seat, I would be only too happy to lodge myself on the upper berth with a comic book in my hand. 

And then there are always painful memories of that exceptionally long train journey, of being stuck in an 'express' train that trudges along at snail speed, delayed by several hours, of bowels giving you trouble (it always happens to me in a train!), of the bawling of hawkers, of over-crowded compartments because of ticket-less passengers requesting you to 'adjust'. Watching Chennai Express was like reliving those memories. Plus SRK and his hamming thrown in. Need I say more?

The movie is all about Rahul, a 40-year old smart-ass, who tries in vain to make you laugh at his buffoonery, all done in the name (and much to the shame) of common man. In most of the movie, he just whines and cribs like an extremely nagging girlfriend, and actually does a poor job of even that with his comic timing way off the mark. He also wins the award for the shadiest hero ever, who, upon being beaten by the villain, meekly leads him to their secret hideout to capture the heroine as well. Surprisingly, the only funny moments in the movie come from Deepika, who methinks has done a somewhat better job here than most other movies where she chooses to just expose her legs instead. 

So this kid in the family sitting next to us at the theater complains to his dad during interval, 'Papa, I am bored.'

Papa suggests, 'Play game on the phone, beta'

'Kuch comedy hi nahi hai'

'Arre, second half mein aayega shayad'

And then when the movie ended, he asks, 'Papa, is movie ka naam Chennai Express kyun hai?' I did not wait for his father's reply.

Sadly, the future of Bollywood doesn't look bright either. With Shahid Kapoor impersonating a dog, and Ranbir Kapoor advocating 'padding' for men, the movie buff in me can only weep. Tragic, no?

Lux wala Shahrukh

It's been a while that I have written anything on Bollywood at all. And every time this happens, I start getting all panicky. I loiter around the house, lost in thoughts (making Sonia anxious) and also my bowel movements suffer (making me anxious). So, let me get this out of the way like it should be done, by blogging about all the recent stuff Bollywood has made me sit through.


Garmi wali Thand

In Garmi wali Thand, girls wear overcoats
with short skirts

Student of the Year was made with a purpose. To boost sales of pharma companies: by sending an entire generation of teenagers into depression about how their school isn't as cool as the one shown in the movie, about why the guys can't have those rippling muscles by the time they are sixteen, about why the school-girls can't go on holidays with friends to exotic beaches and strut around in flimsy bikinis, about why if their parents had to be poor, they could at least be able to afford designer clothes and sports bike, like in the movie. Of course, the movie had other agendas too: like launch the next Arjun Rampal (with, possibly, the shadiest ever double-meaning song playing in the background).

In the movie, Kareena kept waiting
for a policeman with a dead son
and a mad wife

Aamir wali Movie

Like all movie-goers, even I was looking forward to the next Aamir movie. Kuch to alag hoga, for sure. Little did I know that it will be baap of all alag movies. It was like Paris Hilton inviting you for a date and then when you reach the venue, you find Uday Chopra sitting there with pink roses in his hands. It was like you showing all answers to the pretty girl sitting behind you in the exam and then during the bye-bye moment, she saying 'Thank you bhaiya'. I mean the performances were good and all, but who the fuck goes and watches a Bollywood movie for performances. Only saving grace was Kareena looking like million bucks, even in the devastatingly KLPD climax.


Lux wala Shahrukh

Sale of Lux Soap dropped sigficantly after
the release of JTHJ

It is perhaps the worst kept secret in India that men use Lux Soap and Fair & Lovely cream (not the mardon wali, but the original one). The sale of Lux Soap had actually skyrocketed after Shahrukh Khan was shown on TV using it, kind of legitimizing what men had always done anyway. But much to HUL's chagrin, Shahrukh plays a 25-year old with wrinkles in Jab Tak Hai Jaan. Men came out of the theater wondering if the same would happen to them if they continued using Lux. The movie also starred Katrina Kaif's wax statue and Anushka Sharma, who was dressed in Lux (different from the above Lux) underwear and banyaan.

Sridevi taught viewers how to speak with
a French guy in Hindi

Sridevi wala Back-with-a-Bang

Midst all the madness, there was a no-nonsense, light-hearted, simple tale of love, respect, dignity and pain, that tickled your funny bone and tugged at your tear-ducts at the same time.

Ok, ok, I am a big-time Sridevi fan (as all those who read this blog already know) and my reviews are normally biased. But this was one good movie, and no one can take that away.


Next post on Bollywood only after I come back from my little vacation and then having seen Mr. Chulbul Pandey in his new avatar *Giggles*

It roars, whether you like it or not

It will not make you roll in laughter at bawdy jokes or PG-13 innuendos. It does not have dhinchak songs that instantly get added to any DJ's playlist. The action sequences are not out-of-the-world like Wanted, Dabangg, Ready or Bodyguard. And, well, okay, it also has the same-ole story rehashed a hundred times in Bollywood already.

And yet, Tiger roars. Roars in its simple humor. Roars in music that slowly grows on you. Roars as it avoids easy traps of melodrama and mushy romance. Roars in amazingly beautiful cinematography. Roars as it rides as much on Katrina's petite shoulders as on Salman Bhai's machismo.

When you put two of the best looking stars in Bollywood together on screen, you don't ask for much more. But Ek tha Tiger offers more, and offers everything that Salman movies these days don't. Take that from a fan who has seen every shitty movie that ever starred Salman, and has adored all of them. 

It's a simple story, told simply. With some subtle, unadulterated fun.

And, talk about screen presence. Fucking screen presence. Just leave Salman on screen, yeah, and all is taken care of. Mashallah.

The Review that you don't wanna Read(y)

Ok, first things first - I am a hardcore Salman Khan fan. So this review is gonna be biased, very biased. You got a problem, you know where to shove it. Secondly, most reviewers have trashed the movie into the garbage can. If you enjoyed reading any of those reviews, please read no further.

As this blog would have given you a hint, I was 'Ready' for Ready. Having booked tickets in the local single-screen theater well in advance (instead of the conventional - and wallet-emptying - multiplexes), I waited with bated breath to experience the onslaught. And the chawanni crowd in the theater lived up to my expectations. Whistles, hoots, cat-calls and thunderous applause drowned half the dialogues in the movie, the junta went into splits every-time Salman Bhai cracked a shady double-meaning joke, the crazy songs made the tapori fans groove in their seats. Interestingly, the entire row behind us was occupied by a bunch of aunties and their 4-5 year olds. The aunties and their kids guffawed together as Salman taunted Asin on the tight fitting of her jeans. And I was taken back in time to an era when I would squirm in my seat if anything remotely sexual would be shown in a movie that I was watching with my parents (I still do!). But a lot has changed since then.

I think what is very different (and delightful) in this movie for a Salman Khan fan is to watch Salman getting increasingly comfortable in the skin of his characters. Though he still wouldn't slap the item-girls on their bums in a song-sequence (and merely pretend to do so), he doesn't flinch anymore while uttering innuendos, the smirk doesn't go away, he doesn't look blank, drunk and lost. He has embraced the comic genre and improvised it like no one ever has. Not everyone can make you laugh while uttering dialogues like 'ghaas sukh gayi hai, geeli kar deta hoon" !!

Watch the movie for an experience that is Salman. For everything else, there will be another movie releasing soon :)

Phata Poster, Nikla Hero

Ok, maybe not quite a Hero. This is what I am referring to - but then, I had asked for it!

So, any learnings?
No Sir -just let me nurse the wounds (mainly to my pride) - will be back soon!

*evil laughter with appropriate sound-effects in the background*


PS: This masochistic brainwave was an inspiration from Mini.. err.. Maini.

To write or not to write

I have never written a movie review before.  

But the temptation is just too much to handle.... ahh