Sunday, January 08, 2012

I know what you did in 2011

I had been watching you, Bollywood. And I have always known what you are up to.

In 2011, you succumbed to new lows - and that hurts me. And I must tell you that this is not done. You have to work as much on our relationship as I have been doing. And you will also have to explain to me - why this Kolaveri Di?

1. Setting: A song-sequence inside a classroom of a school - First Standard, or maybe, Second, if you stretch your imagination a little.
Teacher: A plump Vidya Balan.
Plot: A wardrobe malfunction.
As Bappi Da's supersonic voice booms in the background ~ Giraake apna pallu, Baar baar... Kar deti ho humko, Bekarar ~ Vidya's pallu actually drops, revealing ample bosom. Wait, I am not mad about this bit. What happens next is the earth-shatteringly dumb part. All the kids (yes, kids!) in the class, get super-excited at the serendipitous mistake by their teacher and throw their books all around to celebrate.
I get that this was supposed to be funny. But maybe, Bollywood, you are trying too hard.

2. Setting: A video-game turned real
Characters: The Good Guy..err.. no, Robot...err.. no, Clone.. err, no, some Holographic Image of a video-game Hero... erm.. ok, let's just call him G.One. Similarly, the other guy, let's just call him Ra.One.
Plot: Making the world a little more gay-friendly.
Ra.One is about to kill G.One. And G.One needs to survive, so that he can kill Ra.One later. Simple. And the only way he can save himself is by grabbing Ra.One's crotch. So, he does that. And then, both of them blankly look into each others' eyes uttering inane dialogues like "Yeh kya kar rahe ho G.One? ... I don't know".. till the level ends in the supposed game they are playing, saving G.One and thereby, humanity.
Bollywood, listen to me and not SRK, you will do well. Trust me on this one.

3. Setting: Doesn't matter
Characters: Don't matter
Plot: Doesn't matter
The movie has Mimon Chakravarty / Mahaakksshhaaay / Gobbledygook
End of argument.

4. Murder of Item Numbers: I have earlier professed on this blog my love for item-numbers. That doesn't mean you will start belting out one inane item number after another, differentiating one from the other only by inventing a new name for the item girl: Jalebi Bai, Chameli, Dilli ki Billi and what not. Jeez.

I don't even want to crib any further. I am willing to give you one more chance. Don't disappoint me please.

Sigh. *Turns on music ~ No touching, no kissing......... *

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