Thursday, July 08, 2010

Because God doesn't like me

Yes, I have arrived at this conclusion after a lot of deliberation and debate. It is high time now that I confront him, to put an end to all this madness. 
And this post ideally should be in Hindi - the drama just comes out better. But then my laptop sucks and typing in English itself is an ordeal. Also, you will soon be enlightened about my paranormal translation skills. So, here we go. 

*deep breath*   
You must be so happy today! 
All through my life, I have never uttered a word. Ever since I was a kid, your world has doled out atrocity after atrocity on me – I always took everything to be your wish. 

(Aaj to bahut khush hoge tum!

Bachpan se lekar aaj tak, tumhari is duniya ne zakhma par zakma diye hain mujhe, lekin main sab kuch tumhari marzi samajh kar chup chap sahta raha)

- Guys are supposed to be good at cricket. Period.
But I was always beyond being pathetic. Evil laughter of all the para-boys (para = locality) when I got out for a duck again or when I dropped a lopa-lopa (slang for 'too easy to miss') catch, still rings clearly in my ears.
I said nothing to you. I never prayed that I should be the star player in the para tournament.

 - My world was shattered when I found out that Sridevi had married a motu and taklu Boney Kapoor. I mean, come on, I looked so much better! And I even remained faithful to her through atrocious movies like Nakabandi and Chandramukhi.
Maine tab bhi tumse kuch nahi kaha.

- In a world where girls go all gaga over brawn (and caring little for brains!), I was always lanky, all skin-and-bones. After all, which girl would want to date a guy who would give her competition in the waistline category? I was the favorite rakhi-brother material.
Still, I waited, patiently, for my time to come.

- Even in IIMB, you tortured me with Quant! What were the professors expecting? That we are  mutated maniacs and that we have mini-orgasms while solving super-complex mathematical problems? Ok, maybe some of those weird engineer-geeks do get all ecstatic while solving Double Integration of a differential equation or some such shit! But I don't. And, it was third degree torture to me.
I took the C in Quant to be my fate. Quietly.  

- When I joined work, you gave me evil super-bosses. Evil means really evil - descendants of Sauron, devotees of Mugambo, minions of Voldemort! I never fought back, never spat in their face or pushed them in front of a speeding car. I satisfied myself by gossiping about their extra-marital affairs instead.

- You gave me a paunch and white hair. You made college-kids call me 'uncle' in local trains. But today the lakshman-rekha was crossed
Main ab chup nahi rahoonga .
While having a bath today, when I found that the drain is completely clogged because of my falling hair, and the naked truth stared at me, I was livid.

Aisa kya bigada hai maine tumhara? Itna bhi zulm mat kar ki duniya mein sabka tujhpar se bharosa uth jaye. Please, please, please!

Relief! *deeper breath*


Unknown said...

Now God has to listen! :) May all ur hair turn black!

gourishankar said...

@priyanka: The problem here is not to turn the hairs black but the hairs shall turn back to yogi first... ;)

Yogesh said...

@Maggi - Thank You!

@Guddu - Nalayak, kabhi tu bhi isi line mein khada hoga! :D

Praveen Damodhar said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Praveen Damodhar said...

Welcome to the baLd world!

Talk about receding hairline, I get reminded of my girlfriends one liner, 'Ganje,mayb you should try transplanting the hair on your chest to your head!'


Kthxbai. :D

Shreya said...

You know, maybe you will look all evil and dangerous now. And the girls will finally come. God is evil.

Yogesh said...

@Praveen - Yes, I have often wondered. If I am suffering from some sort of baldness disease, why should my body-hair be spared? It's the whole world's conspiracy against you thing!

@Shreya - Ab kya fayda :(

Fantasies of a Lifetime said...

lol , wig ??

Yogesh said...

@Fantasies - Thanks! For this superbly insensitive advice :D

Poorva Dixit said...

haha! :) Good one sirji..but now u need not to worry about these "Bhautick Darshan" ;)

Yogesh said...

Thanks Poorva :)

PS: You still come here? :D

PRATIK said...

Really Nice Article... The Hair problem is the headache of many ppl and is ruining many lives... P.S-Even Me... "Bachpan mein mummy ki baat sun kar CHAMPU banke school roj jaate toh aaj yeh haalat nahin hoti... What say..." Btw bhagwaan se itna complain hai tumko...par tumko jo diya hai woh bahut logo ko nahin mila hai woh hai Exceptional talent... uske liye bhagwaan ko thanks bolna...

Yogesh said...

@Pratik - I was always a champu - that doesnt seem to help :P

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