Because God doesn't like me

Yes, I have arrived at this conclusion after a lot of deliberation and debate. It is high time now that I confront him, to put an end to all this madness. 
And this post ideally should be in Hindi - the drama just comes out better. But then my laptop sucks and typing in English itself is an ordeal. Also, you will soon be enlightened about my paranormal translation skills. So, here we go. 


*deep breath*   
God, 
You must be so happy today! 
All through my life, I have never uttered a word. Ever since I was a kid, your world has doled out atrocity after atrocity on me – I always took everything to be your wish. 

(Aaj to bahut khush hoge tum!


Bachpan se lekar aaj tak, tumhari is duniya ne zakhma par zakma diye hain mujhe, lekin main sab kuch tumhari marzi samajh kar chup chap sahta raha)


- Guys are supposed to be good at cricket. Period.
But I was always beyond being pathetic. Evil laughter of all the para-boys (para = locality) when I got out for a duck again or when I dropped a lopa-lopa (slang for 'too easy to miss') catch, still rings clearly in my ears.
I said nothing to you. I never prayed that I should be the star player in the para tournament.


 - My world was shattered when I found out that Sridevi had married a motu and taklu Boney Kapoor. I mean, come on, I looked so much better! And I even remained faithful to her through atrocious movies like Nakabandi and Chandramukhi.
Maine tab bhi tumse kuch nahi kaha.


- In a world where girls go all gaga over brawn (and caring little for brains!), I was always lanky, all skin-and-bones. After all, which girl would want to date a guy who would give her competition in the waistline category? I was the favorite rakhi-brother material.
Still, I waited, patiently, for my time to come.


- Even in IIMB, you tortured me with Quant! What were the professors expecting? That we are  mutated maniacs and that we have mini-orgasms while solving super-complex mathematical problems? Ok, maybe some of those weird engineer-geeks do get all ecstatic while solving Double Integration of a differential equation or some such shit! But I don't. And, it was third degree torture to me.
I took the C in Quant to be my fate. Quietly.  


- When I joined work, you gave me evil super-bosses. Evil means really evil - descendants of Sauron, devotees of Mugambo, minions of Voldemort! I never fought back, never spat in their face or pushed them in front of a speeding car. I satisfied myself by gossiping about their extra-marital affairs instead.


- You gave me a paunch and white hair. You made college-kids call me 'uncle' in local trains. But today the lakshman-rekha was crossed. 
Main ab chup nahi rahoonga .
While having a bath today, when I found that the drain is completely clogged because of my falling hair, and the naked truth stared at me, I was livid.


Aisa kya bigada hai maine tumhara? Itna bhi zulm mat kar ki duniya mein sabka tujhpar se bharosa uth jaye. Please, please, please!

Relief! *deeper breath*