From Bollywood with Love

I have developed this one bad habit of late - of reading movie reviews before I go and watch them. Maybe this is because I seldom go for movies now and so have to really decide which ones to watch. Earlier, it was simple - one on Saturday, one on Sunday - if three movies have released the same week, then maybe one on Friday as well. Bachelorhood had its own share of fun!


But reading movie reviews before I watch them kills half the fun. Also, you are annoyed when you read these idiots dole out crap saying how the movie didn't do anything for them at an intellectual level. Right! You are watching Bollywood - let it remain Bollywood-like. As it is, Bollywood these days has lost much of its charm. What with all the 'different' plots and 'contemporary' movies!


I desperately want those days back when you go and watch a movie because you want your grey cells to rest for 3 odd hours, where you can laugh at silly jokes like this one, and jump in your seats at scenes like this one, and throw chawannis on the screen when Katrina Kaif dances like this.


So, here's a list of 5 things that I miss about Bollywood:


1. Bhagwan ke liye mujhe chod do:
These scenes used to be the highlight of any villain's career. Higher the number rape scenes he has done, larger would be his bargaining power with the producer. Small-time villains would try to rape the hero's sister. Stalwarts got to rape the heroine herself. And super-villains would get dialogues like "Itni acchi cheez ko Bhagwan ke liye kaise chod doo". 
For the actresses, it was double-bonanza. Their blatant over-acting would get passed off as brilliant histrionics. And they got to expose sans raised eyebrows from the moral police. Sigh, those were the days.


2. Maa:
The Original Bollywood Maa was teary-eyed, overflowing with emotion, ever-sacrificing, pitiable creature. She was the one who made the women burst into tears and made the men feel guilty for the torture that their kind was inflicting on the Maa onscreen. Then, times changed. Moviemakers realized that they need not have a separate Helen as Item-girl. The Maa could double-hat (see here). 


3. Black Vs White:
I don't have the time or the patience to analyze who is good and who is bad. The bad guy should look really evil and hatred for him should come naturally. He can try being bald or having long, bushy mustache. He should use only foul language and look at all the female characters with gandi nazar.
I hate shades of grey. I don't like anti-heroes.


4. Rita Bani Sita - In the same line of thought, the mashooka should be hot and the wife should be dressed like sati-savitri. Thus, when the hero and the heroine get married, the heroine's attire needs to be changed. (this to this). 
First, actors don't get married at all in today's movies! And when they do, the girl still pirouettes around in skimpy clothes, not caring for our sanskars. Me not likes at all. 


5. Ek Ladka aur ladki kabhi dost nahi ho sakte: 
This should be crystal clear for all. I am fed up of all the 'we are only friends' stories. Show them love stories. Btw, watch the legendary scene here


Though, even today, Bollywood does occasionally surprise us with classics like Prince and Ek Second - Jo Zindagi Badal De. But these are far off and in-between. As a hamming Shahrukh Khan would say, Yeh dil mange more!